OTF 4: I Came in Last
You guys. It’s happened to me. I’m in shock, to be completely honest. Similar to my last post, I am choosing to own this defeat with my chest. There’s no point in being embarrassed—even though I must admit I am... I got the lowest grade on my paper out of my whole English class. Like the lowest. Like when I checked the bottom of the grade distribution, my grade was the one that appeared in front of me. I got an 18.89 out of 24, which isn’t objectively terrible.. But to be the lowest grade? My mouth was basically on the floor. I literally write a blog—I consider myself a writer, as someone that has a way with words?? At first, I was enraged and I was hurt. I was not expecting to see my grade drop a letter, especially because of an essay I had considered one of my best. Mind you, the title of said essay was, “But I want to be Insanely Hot!” I still stand by BIWTBIH, and upon mental reconfiguration, think it's an iconic college story to have been the worst amongst the best.
I wrote my C+ essay for a class titled “70’s Literature.” So far, it’s been one of the best classes I’ve taken while at Berkeley. The professor is super awesome and instructs with a vigor and passion that I don’t find in my Media Studies classes. Often, he’ll start singing, dramatically flail his arms, and repeatedly say “man it’s just so cool, I think it’s just so cool” about the film, music video, book, or speech we are diving into in class. Just this week he delivered the best lecture I’ve ever had the privilege to absorb that was accurately titled, “Bad Girls, Macho Men, and Diva Dreams: How Disco Queered American Culture.” I was dazzled by the informative ways in which he analyzed and spoke about disco divas such as Donna Summers and Sylvester and the emerging gay culture that found liberation on the dance floor. I was even more impressed by all the allusions he was able to make to sex without being literal. My favorite one had to be when he was talking about Donna Summer’s owning her sexual mystique through her music, stating, “it was created with the intention that her music would lubricate more erotic scenes.” Overall, he’s a genius and he carries a great flair which I took as non-explicit encouragement for me to introduce my own “sauce” to the essay recipe. My grader was allergic to this sauce.
The essay was a close analysis of Haxel Wexler’s film Medium Cool. I wrote about the way Medium Cool, as a term, represents a blurred space between hot and cold as well as neutrality, which reflect in the way Haxel forces the viewer to be complicit while simultaneously blurring the binaries of fact and fiction through dialogue, camera work, and sound. My thesis was, “Through the combination of documentary and fiction akin to the use of the camera and sound, Wexler neutralizes the fervor of the protest while simultaneously critiquing how the media blurs reality and morality through viewers' forced complicity—which is apparent throughout the entirety of the film.” It was a really enjoyable essay to conceptualize and work through, and I’ll admit, while my essay did lack direct coherence and structure, the ambiguity I was pointing to in the film’s title was about just that! Now, Trey, there is no point in arguing—you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Although I did immediately drop to my knees and send an email begging my professor to send any extra credit opportunities my way.
As aforementioned, my professor is very flamboyant, creative, and excited about what he teaches—which makes for an all around much better class experience. Taking his style as inspiration, I also decided to throw in my own creative touches to the essay, which were to my detriment. First, it was commented that my title was a flop. When “But I want to be Insanely Hot” came to mind, you guys all know I immediately checked it off as genius and slapped it to the top of the page. It was intended as a double entendre. Regarding the essay’s content, it was a comment on how viewers of the media are forced into complicity as we are subjected only to viewing what is being televised—we are “medium cool” or neutral in that we have no power over the real world events that unfold before our eyes. So “I want to be Insanely Hot” represents the antonym of being just medium cool, and symbolizes wanting to move out of that complicity and into a position that has the potential to make a difference. Also, it reminded me of a teenager yelling frustratedly at their first pimple in the mirror. My GSI didn’t like it. He told me he would’ve preferred “Medium Cool: Close Analysis Essay One.” BOOOOOO. Oh my God who wants to read that. Still, I write that here and I may think that, but of course I respect him and his opinion and agree that if professionalism was the expectation, that I missed that.
I also started the essay off with a fake conversation between two imaginary friends. (LOL) The conversation was supposed to establish that the term “medium cool” is ambiguous and subjective, and I’ll let you guys be the judge.
“Oh yeah, it’s medium cool.” I say to my friend—an answer to her question. She reaches for the glass. “This is cold?” she exclaims with a puzzled expression.”
I liked it, and I still like it. I think it’s an interesting way to introduce the paper and is especially applicable seeing that we are in an English class. Yeah.. My GSI didn’t like this either. Calling it a “random conversation” that muddled my argument. I, personally, love random conversations that could also be argued are not random because they explicitly connect to my essay and its broader argument..
Now, I know I’m getting catty (that’s just how I cope). However, I do believe the essay could’ve been A potential had I reformatted it closely following the rubric that I should’ve looked at in the first place. Readers of OTF, my one piece of advice at this moment is to READ THE RUBRIC. You may be like “Durrr, wtf, how did they even get into Berkeley the #1 public university in the world??” And to that I say, yes obviously I should’ve looked and, two, it's because of my sparkle. Where my issue was with this essay was I got carried away with my personal vision and the freedom I had assumed was there (don’t assume) and believed in the essay and its personal touches to the point where I thought “the grader will have to love it!” I was wrong. I will be treating future rubrics like they are my religious texts for these next ones.
My essay also lacked a clear structure. Which is not good. Yet, I again had just assumed that an English class that is more abstract would be less intense about structures, and topic sentences and more about the unique perspective and writing evident in your paper. Readers, that is not the case. I wish I could go back and de-abstract my paper, but I can’t. However, I have realized that all essays hinge on three things: sources and in text citations, thesis, and topic sentences. Valuable information to learn, even if it had to be through my coming in last place. A large contributor to my lack of structure I blame on my blog writing. I enjoy it so much more when writing flows like a river rather than separate dams that have channels connecting them. Yet, I think even my personal writing could benefit from some structuring, and this has officially become one of my writing goals.
Through this humbling experience, I also was forced to come face to face with my ego. “Oh he’s sick for giving me this grade.” “Oh he thinks this is a random imaginary conversation… he’s gonna wish he never said that.”
Having taken some time to let the emotions die down, I’ve realized: it truly is not that deep, my writing did lack what was asked for in the rubric, and it’s not personal—it’s a grade! At Berkeley, you are almost forced into an ego. You have to have one to get here. The confidence that bolstered all of my try-hard agendas is because I believe I carry something special. But then, in moments like this I realize that that same ego—which gives me confidence—is also a burden and can very easily become an opposing force. I am not going to sit here and claim, “he is so wrong! I don’t deserve a C+” because in complete honesty, I see where he is coming from. It is my ego that makes me want to lash out, makes me angry. I can, and should expect great things from myself, but one C+ doesn’t mean I’m the worst writer ever. After evaluating my egotistical spurt of anger, I realized that I will in fact sign up for my campus's writing tutoring. I’ve been hesitant to do so because I thought I didn’t need it and that asking for help meant I was weak. I now realize that that’s a horrible outlook. They are there to help and I’m proud that I am committed enough to doing better to seek help.
From my finishing in last, I have learned some valuable lessons. One, I will always read rubrics. Two, I will write clear and explicit topic sentences and theses. Three, I will continue to do my best. Four, I will no longer be too prideful to seek help. Five, I can be proud of something even if it didn’t achieve the desired results.
Honestly, I need to thank that GSI. He has lit a fire under this butt and I don’t see it going out until I get that A+! Every now and again a wake up call is perfect. Although this felt like that 6:30 alarm for toenail surgery the morning after a late night concert.. which definitely did not also happen to me today.
My life is full of never ending surprises! I embrace them with the strength of an army.
Update: YALL I GOT A PERFECT SCORE ON MY NEXT ESSAY, AND, IN THE WORDS OF MY GRADER, IT WAS "BRILLIANT!" So I killed that. I can do anything I set my mind to.
